I normally would be writing this in my little journal, i might just end up writing in there anyway, but to save the pain from writing too hard, i think typing would be easier. Or i may jump from that to this, really depends on my mood, or whatevers on my mind. Even something thats on my mind for days, i might not be bothered to right it all down, maybe typing it up may be an alternative now.
Its been a few days since ive been purging, iv worked hard i think. I never noticed this before, but now iv realised, that after every full meal, i have the urge to hide in the loo and just be sick, and then i feel all better again. But since i cant do that anymore ever since i saw the damage it was causing, my stomach actually hurts from not doing it. I have to hang in there, once its over, i can get on with other areas of my life again.
I don't want to go through the depression again, its tiring, it drains you. I dont know what the true reason for why i get depressed, but what always triggers it is anything to do with my appearance, mainly my weight. People say you cant get over an eating disorder and lose weight at the same time, i wasnt convinced. But now, i honestly think i should try, because i havent gotten anywhere in the past with trying to do both at once. I thought about seeking help, but i dont know who to go to. I dont even know who to ask where to go, i know where to go. But when youre in that state, you just want to be alone. I wanted to isolate myself from everyone. People say you should talk to someone when things are on your mind. But i dont want to be a burden, and people will probably be sick of hearing it. But mainly.. people will not understand, if i was to hear it from someone, i know what advice i would give, and its exactly the same advice i would be hearing. I can pretty much figure out all that they say.
Also, they won't understand. Really they won't. You may know the feelings they go through. But you dont really understand unless you go through it yourself.
I did tell a friend once about my bulimia. All i got was a disgusted response.. like.. why? with a twisted look on their face. That was the response i expected. Which makes you feel worse than before. Not only are you in the darkest hole possible, but when you try and confide in a close friend about it, all they can give is a response that makes you feel like you've fallen deeper in the hole, where no one is going to reach you.
I know what needs to be done, my mind hasnt been completely eaten by it. But when those moments happen, you cant stop it. All you can think about is. I need to get it out. On the outside, it really does look like its purely just to lose weight, thats what i thought it was aswell, i feel so shallow and stupid to even be like that. But as time goes on, i realise its more than that, dont know what the exact problem is. But all the feelings running through me were horrible. I felt so worthless, useless, someone who cannot achieve anything, can never get anything right. Maybe its because i was never really good in school, and im just a bit dim in general, and with all the high achievers in the family, i was always compared, and if you werent good in what the high achievers are good at, then youre not going to be very successful in anything. Being from a family which looked strongly at what you do rather than who you are, it was really difficult to put up with comments such as, youre actually a bit stupid, or how comes youre not doing aswell as your cousins?
The ones that came from my mum hurt, but i know from her background, the way she was brought up, their encouragement, was getting negative comments. So if youre doing bad, its supposed to be motivation to do better. I understood that. Completely. But at heart, i really couldnt feel it. I had moments where i did feel like my mum created the whole, self fulfilling prophecy thing. I really felt like a bad daughter, i felt embarrassed infront of my chinese friends, where in chinese school, the only thing adults talked about were how good whos grades were. The pressure was strong.
My personality didnt really help i suppose. Ive always been really nice to be people, wouldnt want to make enemies, and always the one who apologises even if i wasnt in the wrong. I just went along with everything, i never got bullied in school though, everyone was always really nice. So friends at school was never a problem. It was always outside school. Because ive always been quite passive, and made to be the good girl, im treated as really ignorant, naive, and childlike. It was frustrating, because it meant i was left out in lots. Especially around the age of 10, the cousins the same age as me were more involved than i was. They werent made out as much of a joke as i was. It was always, i dont know this, or that. Sure, i did get annoyed, and showed it. Eventually i learned to hide it, people had great fun. I spoke to my dad about it a few times, but didnt expect anything to be done about it. Didnt want to. Dont want to create uneccessary tension. I much rather people be happy, than let me be a bother. The cousins which were older were always involved. So i thought. When i get to that age, ill be included.
When i got to 14( at the time it seemed like a big age) i was still treated more like a child than everyone else. Also, at my heaviest, and with blunt family members(from HK), who lived in a place where weight and size is a very very very big thing. It was constantly, you know...youre quite fat. almost everyday during my stay. it got to me. but it didnt at the same time. i was comfortable. until i kept hearing it and hearing it. Now its permanently knocked into my head.
I tried, tried with the academics, took psychology, sociology and art for a level. Art had always been my strong point, it was the only thing i was the least bit talented in. I took the other two cos i felt like i had to at least try and avoid the arts, since no one thought that was a useful subject, and only the stupid ones took it. But it didnt prove successful. By now, i thought, i really cannot do academics, my mum was a great help by accepting this and letting me choose my own path. Im now moving into Design. But i thought, im only doing this cause i cant do anything else in my life, im left with this, i was good, but i wasnt really good in the area, at least thats how i felt. But now, i am truly in love with my course, sure, i could be a lot more motivated. But i no longer feel that its something that left for me to do, the times iv worked hard, iv seen results, for once in my life, i had some self confidence in me. getting my first retail job gave me confidence, i actually felt like i was useful and i can actually do something right for once, although people say i get used because i do work more than i get, but it felt good, fulfilling my role, and doing it the best of my ability. Now, its not about whether its enough for other people, my expectations have shot up, im not after just a pass, i want to feel 100% like ive done my best, otherwise feelings of self worthlessness kicks in again. I still havent solved the problem i dont think. I just have alternative ways to hide it.
Im trying hard not to fall back on mistakes. Last year i was successful on losing some weight. but now its slowly creeping back up. Now im sitting here, trying to fight those negative thoughts which cause me to exercise madly for a night, because now, im trying to stop the sicking, i dont want to see the sight of blood again the toilet. Once my deadlines are over, i can start concentrating on how to eat properly again, and my life will hopefully start going in the right direction. Im 20 this year. I wont say that am the most mature of 20 year olds. But i wouldnt say im immature, my personality has some sillyness to it which appears to make me more childlike. But i dont think my mind is like that as much as adults think. My motivation kicked in a lot when family came over in the new year. Again, they talked down on me, even though their children werent doing any better if not worse. Treated me as if i was still naive and ignorant, i admit, i am still naive and ignorant to life i havent seen yet, and bit more idealistic than i should be. I have a lot to learn in life about people and things in general, and i am definitely ready to learn, because its only going to benefit me. The more they tried to put me down, the more it fuelled me. Exactly how my mum wanted it to be, Its working now. They question me constantly about if im going to get anywhere after uni. I dont know. But at least i'm trying, unlike most of them, who have the cheek to come and talk to me and act as if theyre all knowing and role model like. No. I personally dont want to be at a dead end at the age of 23. Theres so much to do in life, so much you can improve on, im not willing to be in a retail job and not actually plan to even me promoted. Thats just useless.
I never really realised it until i broke up with my ex, and realised how much motivation he lacked. No goals, no motivation, nothing. The times he would just go "why do you bother? you wont suceed anyway" firstly, what the hell? what ever happend to support? second, you never know, i am not going to give up unless i try, its not a luck game, its a design award. You do actually have to do something to get anything. So why not at least give it a try to see where my skills lie. Im not as scared as i was before, at least not with anything to do my my course and a future career. Still sheepish when it comes to few other things. But i now i really cannot take people talking as if im stupid, and im just sitting around feeling sorry for myself, cos i personally get more satisfaction when i see how shocked people are when they realise, im not actually as stupid as they think. I mean, i do feel bad partly for how selfish ive become, i do get satisfaction. like ha! im doing better than you you and you, its a good feeling, but yet at the same time its really horrible. True its a tough world out there, but i'd like to try and face the tough world without having to be too insensitive towards other peoples feelings, because i think t the end of the day, that sheepish passive unconfident little girl is stil in me, and will always be.
Its really strange though, how i can jump from near manic self depreciating depressive, to this overly motivated workaholic.
Its something that has only developed in the past few years, i think it might be my way of getting myself out of the rut and into something more worthwhile. Although weight is on my mind, and will probably always be until i lose it, i cant possibly let it run my life like it nearly did. What ill do is, get the whole eating properly and exercise regime back into order like last year, then that will be sorted, all i need to do after, is get on to my long list of things i want to learn.
I regret not paying any attention in my language classes, never really kicked in how useful it would be, so in the next few years my holiday time will definitely be geared towards a language, my willingness to learn has made me a different person, my motivation has made me feel of some worth, even if other people dont see it, im going to try my hardest to prove it.
If i was to be writing this all down, my journal would be full by now and id be moving onto the scrap sheets lying around the bedroom.
I also realised, i value my life a lot more when i found a lump, although i am quite young for cancer, its not impossible, that moment on, i realised i cannot piss around anymore, life is way too unpredictable to be getting alcohol poisoning and waking up with a stranger in your bed, its never happened and i dont plan to either. I'm not your typical student, i dont plan to be either, can be seen as boring, can be seen as a bit..neh. But i'm too young to be wasting my time on things that dont really matter to me, i dont drink, and im not going to force myself to get absolutely wasted, it just doenst appeal to me, getting completely pissed out of my head is not going to get me anywhere in life, these years are so important, i dont want to make the same mistakes again and go through the whole... oh i wish i did this, i wish i did that. I am actually going to do it now, i really hope this feeling carries on. Because it feels a lot better than being down that black hole. Its tiring trying to look for people who understand, they wont, iv heard the whole. Oh everyone gets down now and again. Yes well, not quite at the same degree. Watching child anorexic and listening to their thoughts and their feelings i was shocked to realise how much i understood where they came from, my dad was there at the time and was like. no i honestly dont get it, i really dont. Its quite an experience, but its something you definitely do not want to be going through.
love.
